I’m sorry for bothering you
I really appreciate your time
Thank you for your reply
I’d be grateful if you could take my call
How do these statements make you feel if they’re directed to you? They don’t sound weak and subservient do they? You don’t feel the urge to take over and instruct the person around do you?
There are three roles (”ego states“) that people assume when they communicate with each other: Parent, Child and Adult.
- Parent: A state in which people behave, feel and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents acted, or how they interpreted their actions
- Adult: The ideal role for communication: objective, realistic and unemotional
- Child: A state in which people behave, feel and think similarly to how they did in childhood. The child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity and intimacy
Within these states, there are “sub-states”:
Parent:
- Critical Parent: Instructive, rule-based“Do this”, “Stop that”
- Nurturing Parent: Caring, seeking to keep others content, “Everything will be alright”
Child:
- Natural Child: Lack self-awareness, playful, open, vulnerable and naïve
- Adaptive Child: Learned behaviours like complying, sulking, avoiding situations they don’t like. Trying to please others, sticking their head in the sand or being rebellious (“I’ll show you”)
- The Little Professor: Wants to show their knowledge off in-front of the crowd. Knows it all. Can’t listen or take feedback. Manipulative: knows when to cry, look pathetic and get what they want. Will talk behind people’s backs to curry favour.
Whereas the Adult state is:
- Grown up, mature, rational, reasonable and assertive
- Comfortable in their own skin and position within a group
- Seeks objective feedback to learn and improve
- Open dialogue, no emotional baggage and no sub-text
Your actions trigger
The state that you assume in a conversation encourages others to assume specific roles.
- If you behave like a Parent, you trigger others to be children and either do as you say or rebel against you behind your back.
- If you behave like a Child, you trigger others to parent you: instruct you around or give you platitudes to make you feel better
But when you maintain the Adult state in a conversation, it triggers others to be adults too. When two adults communicate, there are no games being played and no lies or half-truths. A conversation between two adults is collaborative, open and productive.
In all conversations I have, I would prefer that they are natural and successful. This is particularly important for me in the first conversations I have with people because it sets the tone for the relationship that follows. It’s not impossible to move states after the initial states have been set, but it’s more effort.
So take a look at the language you use, and how you hold yourself, and think about whether the way you present yourself is giving you the outcomes you want, or whether you’re getting the outcomes you are creating.
Recognising states in you and others
